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1 post tagged I'm Sexy and I know it
Don’t Make Me Dance
Gather round, oh loyal 12 blog readers. It’s story time.
So, last week we were in Santa Fe, New Mexico for one of Laura’s best friends’ wedding. More to come on our time in Santa Fe, for sure, but this event requires it’s own story.
For those of you who don’t know me well enough, I love to dance. I wouldn’t say I’m good, but I just love to let loose when I hear something with a good beat. You can often find Laura and I having awkward dance-offs in our PJ’s or just working up a sweat while getting ready to go out with friends by blaring some old or new pop/hip-hop song. That’s just how we roll.
Another thing I kind of like? Being the center of attention. I don’t consciously like being the center of attention, but I certainly feed off of it. Laura on the other hand, hates being in the spotlight. It’s a good balance.
But I digress.
So, we are at the reception of this wedding and I was in a dancing kind of mood. All the girls were on the dance floor jamming to ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ and one of the other husbands looked at me and said, ‘Why don’t guys have a song they can go out and dance to? You know, something like ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It?’ Immediately, one of the groomsmen’s girlfriends looked at me and said, ‘Oh my gosh, John loves that song. He would totally get out there and dance to that.’ Naturally, a few other dudes chimed in that they would also dance to that. Also naturally, I immediately walked over to the DJ and requested this song:
I’m sure you can guess how this played out.
The song starts. I am on the dance floor easing into my moves. I quickly realize none of the other guys have made it to the dance floor. In fact, they are all just watching me. I try to grab a few of them and they dismiss me. You know what time it is by now, don’t you?
Yep, Bryan’s in the spotlight. On the dance floor all by his self. Yes, I just talked about myself in third person. Go with it.
A shot of adrenaline kicked in when I realized that I was the only person on the dance floor and 100 sets of eyes were all on me. I’ll be honest, I was pulling out moves I have never attempted before. I was in the zone. So much so, that every time I made eye contact with Laura, her head would immediately go into her hands. I also noticed a lot of people, including the photographer and videographer taking pictures/video of Laura’s reaction to my dancing. But when you’re as focused as I was, you keep on. I kept on. I was sexy and I knew it. Don’t act like you’re not impressed, people.
I was about 2/3 through the song when I decided it would be a good idea to do something I don’t do often/ever. Drop it. Drop completely down to the floor, as low as I could go. Hindsight, that wasn’t the smartest thing to do.
I heard it. It was an unmistakable sound even though it had never happened to me before. This happened:
First thing I did when I realized I had just split my pants? Check to see if the front had ripped as well. Luckily it hadn’t, but while I was processing what I was going to do about this, I still had all eyes on me. Luckily, I was backed into a corner at this point so no one was behind me and was aware that my skivvies were showing. My dance moves were still occurring, but were obviously concentrated on not turning around.
I signaled for Laura to come over to me multiple times and she kept waving me off, because she thought I was wanting her to dance with me. I was in a pickle. I couldn’t do this forever.
Fortunately, at just the right time, a 10 year-old boy hopped on the dance floor, started breakdancing, and took most of the pressure off of me. I owe him my life and dignity.
I pretended like I was out of breath and couldn’t continue dancing any longer. When I gave Laura the ‘no, really, I need you to come here’ face, she immediately got up and came over to me. The first thing she said was, ‘I’m guessing you either sprained your ankle or split your pants, which one is it?’ When I told her it was the latter, she dropped to the ground in laughter, then went and got my suit jacket and brought it to me. Again, fortunately, the reception was in the hotel we were staying in, so I just tied the jacket around my waist, walked through the hotel looking like an idiot with my jacket around my waist, and went up to the room to change.
When I made it back to the reception, word had spread far and wide about my infamous situation. The groom simply came over to me and said, ‘Thank you. Really, thank you.’ You know what, people? It was my pleasure.
I learned two things that night:
1. When purposely choosing to wear tighter fitting clothes, it’s probably not a great idea to go all ‘Step Up 3’ on the dance floor with everyone watching you.
2. I need to build up an immunity to dancing in higher altitude, so I can embarrass my wife longer.
No pictures of me actually dancing have surfaced quite yet, but when they do, I promise to post them with pride. Unless, of course, I look like as big of an idiot as I think I did. In which case, I’ll still post them.
Hoping there is a 2 for 1 suit sale at Joseph A. Bank or Men’s Wearhouse,
Bryan
